It will help if I explain the thoughts. You have all had them I'm assuming. The ones that remind you of your wickedness as if holding a constant mirror to your face that only showed the most imaginably worst sinful version of yourself. Then if you have difficulty accepting Gods grace and love in a way that allows you to be accepting, loving, and gracious toward yourself you can remember why these days suck. The lies drain your energy and the hearing or even reminding yourself of truth is frustrating because what you know is true and should be listening too doesn't seem easy at all, and who said it would be?
I want to disappear on these days as if seclusion would help. And then there are the interactions with others on a day like today. Where some ask how your are and you want to be honest but you cant be totally honest depending on time and circumstance so you give the inaccurate short version and then comes the sincere but painful to hear "I'll pray for you.".
These words, to me, should bring joy and comfort to my troubled state but instead comes this desire to respond in more frustration, but its only because I am so week at the moment and wanting to be felt sorry for and pout that anything truly helpful like prayer is just a reminder to my self-pitying state that I know better that to let this troubled state continue. AHHHHH! Any one else wanting to scream yet? But screams wont help ether, nor will throwing everything off to the side until you come around. I don't know what you should do. I took a shower ran an errand I had been putting off, though it was a priority, and then found a place to have a meal and read my Bible turned the phone on silent and read. I felt like I was given a break from the day during that hour, not like newfound truth had be bestowed upon me or that victory over the lies had been accomplished none of that, just a break from myself and a reminder of the need for God's word daily.
